Identity and Expression

I would like to preface this by saying, as always, that this is my own individual experience and perspective. Everyone has a unique set of experiences and sometimes they overlap with their peers, sometimes they don’t. I also know enough to know that I don’t know much at all, I am still learning and the LGBTQIA+ community is evolving quickly. I will always do my best to use proper language and present accurate information, but if you feel I’ve erred I invite you to reach out so I can grow and continue to learn. Thank you.

I grew up feeling, like many others, that I didn’t fit in. I was AMAB (assigned male at birth) and adopted by a “good, middle-class, catholic couple.” I put that in quotes because as most of us know, the way things looked from outside the family was often vastly different from the reality within. My father had always wanted boys, so he adopted my brother and I (my brother is only 3 months younger than me) and from the beginning sought to socialize us as boys/men.

I always had different ideas of who I was and what I wanted, however. My Dad started my brother and I in sports very young. He put us in soccer while I wanted to get into gymnastics, I played baseball instead of dance classes, basketball rather than singing lessons.

I grew up hearing all kinds of slurs, it was common for boys to tease or bully others by calling them gay. I grew up thinking “well, don’t give them any reason to think of me that way!” At home I was taught to love everyone for who they are, but only in words. In practice I grew up in a family that tried to hide the fact that my uncle was gay, that his partner and him were just roommates in NYC. Queerness was something dirty, something to hide, something that would get you ostracized from your family and friends.

It was early in life that I started to notice differences between myself and other AMAB. My story is too long to comprehensively detail in this post but suffice it to say that it wasn’t until adulthood that I actually began to explore and allow myself to recognize as queerness. And even from that point it has been a long road filled with both adversity and beauty the likes of which I didn’t realize were possible (on both fronts).

At this point in my life, I have much less attachment to specific labels and expectations to present any specific way based on the notions of others. Even within the queer community. I believe that holding someone to the expectations of anyone other than that individual is harmful. I am a person who is pansexual, a person who is non-binary. These are only two small(ish) parts of the complex conglomerate of experiences, beliefs, values, and qualities.

Just like everyone else. Some days I present more masculine, others more feminine. Sometimes I like to let my beard grow, sometimes I cut it off. Sometimes my clothing is more masculine, sometimes more feminine. Most days it’s a combination of the two (i.e. right now I am wearing purple “women’s” pants and a ‘men’s v-neck tee shirt. Both are exceptionally comfortable).

I could go on but I think my point is this. It’s important to remember that everyone is completely unique and just as I shouldn’t hold others to my standard of what they “should” look like, speak like, present as, I also have to remember to not hold myself to the notion of looking or acting a certain way. When I can do this I find so much more beauty in myself and others because it frees me to see things more clearly. I can connect with others on a deeper level, experience life on a deeper level.

I’ll end with this. Try to remember to treat everyone with love and kindness, even (or especially) the ones you find difficult. And remember that you deserve every bit of kindness you offer to others.

I know I’ll try to do the same.

July 25th, 2024

Sammy Eartle

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