My Experiences with Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder (BD) is a mental health condition in which an individual experiences alternating depression and mania. Previously known as manic depression, an estimated 4.4% of adults experience bipolar disorder at any given time (1). However, some studies show that around 40% of individuals in their sample who met DSM criteria for borderline personality and not for bipolar had been misdiagnosed as bipolar in the past (2).

There are two types of bipolar. Bipolar I is characterized as depression with at least one manic episode in their life, though many experience more and with regular frequency. There may or may not be psychotic episodes mixed with the mania (3). Bipolar II also involves cycling between ups and downs, the “up” phases being known as hypomania. Hypomania is similar to mania but less intense. People with bipolar II also experience depression with more frequency and for longer periods (4).

I am a person with bipolar 1, as well as PTSD, ADHD, various SUDs, as well as a history of eating disorders. I was first diagnosed around 14 years old but have been re-diagnosed a number of times since then. Often, I find that BD impacts my life more dramatically than my other conditions, especially during the peaks of mania and valleys of depression. I can go from thoroughly depressed, struggling to get out of bed in the morning and to do the bare minimum of bathing, eating, and going to work, all the way to a euphoric, on-top-of-the-world feeling, full of energy and motivation all within the span of a few weeks or less. This has made it difficult to hold jobs in the past, maintain relationships, follow through with commitments, and more, especially with my history of substance abuse in the mix. I am currently 18 months clean and sober (today, in fact), which has allowed me to address my mental health in a more mindful and comprehensive way, though I still struggle at times. However, I’ve come to understand that sometimes I have to take the good with the bad. I may still have battles with this and other life circumstances, but they are just those circumstances. I am improving bit by bit, in a two-step-forward, one-step-back kind of way at times, but I’ve found that focusing on the positive and celebrating my growth makes it easier to get through the tougher times.

My counselor recently told me, “Sammy, don’t forget to offer yourself kindness. And express gratitude for each kind thing you do for yourself. Going to the gym, eating healthy, and making healthy decisions for yourself are all things that you deserve your own gratitude for.” I think she is right. Remembering that I deserve the same kindness I work to offer others helps to keep me on a good path of recovery.

May the same be true for you.